Bitter Sweet for now....

today is the day that i will be saying most of my goodbyes- tomorrow is my final day at work, and the final day i will see several of my good friends for a while.

One is moving far away to Tucson, so it will be a long time before i see him again.

Michelle is going to another company and hopefully things will work out and i can join her later down the path.

I am finally beyond my psycho state, and to the point of sadness and happiness,a mixture of the two.

I will be unemployed for the first time since i was 14, i am 28, that is 14 years of working and doing other things, and now, Monday, i will wake up and have nothing.

My husband is being a real trooper through all of this, he has agreed to give me a month to follow my heart and pursue what i want. If that does not pan out in a month, i will settle and find somewhere else to go.

It is really hard right now, not knowing what will happen, where i will end up, if i work with the group that i have come to know and love. I guess more than anything it was comfortable for me, they were like my family, and now i feel as though the family is being broken up.

I know that everyone who is parting will be better off, they are moving on to bigger and better things, and this change is a great one for them, it is just a little bitter sweet right now.

Best wishes, good luck!! lots of love!!

Do you have kids...

This is my daughter. She is my little princess. Unfortunately, she will look much like her mother when she grows up, hopefully, minus alot of the fat :)

Anyway, she has been sick since last Thursday with an ear infection. I took her to the doctor on Sunday and before we went, she asked if we could get a milkshake afterwards, if she were a good girl. After several days of her not eating, i of course would have bought anything she would have hinted to eat, so i told her of course.

After sitting for two hours in the waiting room at her doctors office, we were finally seen, received the prescription for her antibiotics, and we were on our way.

On the way out the door, my daughter reminds me of her prize. Except now she has had plenty of time to think about what she really wants...

She says mommy, since i was a good girl can we go get a hot snoozy...a little side note, my daughter calls the Starbucks Strawberry Frapaccino a hot snoozy, why, i have no idea, this is a cold drink, anyway...i told her that we do not have any place close that sells a hot snoozy, and her response, we could drive to the beach. Yeah, thats it, i will drive an hour to the beach just to get a drink and drive back. This is the classic response from my daughter, she doesnt put any thought into what it cost, how long it takes, she just wants what she wants and when she wants it. She is so spoiled...but that is why i love her so much!! i pray to god she keeps her strong will, she continues to think the world revolves around her. She is a cutey, of course i am bias, but i love her!!

I lost my mind...

Okay, so between the stress of my work life, or soon lack there of, the stress of my home life, caused alot by personal issues and my work life, sick children, the ever demanding chores of motherhood, i have officially lost my mind.

I had a brief episode of insanity at work on Friday, mostly because my emotions are shot...but no matter what the reason, this episode was not fair to my friends and co-workers that have always been there for me.

While i am still waiting to see what will happen, i do this now with a more aware attitude of those that surround me.

And while this week will be utterly bitter sweet, i know that i have made friends that i will keep for a life time.

One of my good friends will be moving away to Arizona, the other is going to work at another company, that i hope i will be able to join later on and another is staying at the company that the three of us are departing from. It's amazing how that works, it is like we have been together so long, and in a blink of an eye, it is gone, that chapter of your life has ended, and it is time for another to begin.

Other co-workers who i have come to know and love will be going to another company, the one that i am hoping to join later.

So for now, it is see you later, not good-bye. Some people you are meant to be with for a lifetime, and this group of people definately feel like that to me.

IT'S OFFICIAL...

Well, i heard the official word yesterday, i did not get the position that i wanted. It is time to move onto bigger and better things, if that is at all possible. I must say, it truly hurt me. Not so much that someone got the job before i did, because the person that got it is truly talented, has a very outgoing personality, and will knock the socks off of my customers...more hurt, because i have let myself down. I don't know what i did wrong, if i did anything wrong, what i could have done differently. I guess in the end it really doesn't matter, because there is nothing i can do to change the outcome. I just wish my brain could tell my heart and my tears that...

My husband told me that crying showed a sign of weakness in the workplace, that i should not let anyone know how much it truly bothers me. I am not sure how much of this is true, but i do know one thing... i have made an ass of myself being as upset as i am.

Everything happens for a reason, change is supposed to be a good thing. So this morning, i embrace life, still a little tears, well alot of tears, and take control. I have applied for several positions, none that i am truly compassionate about, but the one that i am compassionate about is gone, for now, i have to settle. With hopes that i will learn from this experience, and come out a better person in the end.

The only bad part that truly hurts me, is in 7 days, i will no longer work with some of the most amazing people i have ever known. One moving out of state, he will truly be missed, the others are working in the line that i wanted. I do think we will remain friends through all of this, we have gone through too much together to let it go...

So, I am ready for the change and the adventures to come, just a little bitter sweet...

Ready for the change...

well after many conversations yesterday with many people, i am finally ready for the change... i am not sure what direction i will be going, or where i will end up. But one thing is for sure, i will get there on my own merit... it is time for me to control my destiny...that is easier said than done, i know this. But i cant spend the rest of my life feeling cheated. Always wondering why hard work never pays off. The bottom line is, no matter how hard you work, people are never going to notice... you have to politic and work hard, this is something i have never done, and completely against what i believe. But i have to direct my own career. My own destiny. This is the only way i can take control and provide my kids with the life they deserve.

So to all my friends, thank you for listening to me. Thank you for listening to me cry. Thank you for yelling at me, and making me understand your point of view.

And while i am still not convinced completely, i am taking control....

Probably not a good thought....

I went to visit my daddy yesterday for fathers day, and received some pretty alarming news. My daddy is having surgery this morning, and wasn't going to tell anyone because he didn't want to take any of the attention away from his dying brother.

A little background, my uncle is an extreme alchoholic, has been for years, as long as i can remember. He has ruined 2 marriages, countless relationships, his two children despise him, not to mention the turmoil and embarassment he has caused my grandmother and my daddy. My uncle is a great man, when he is sober. Those times however, are very very rare.

A couple of months ago, they found out he had prostate cancer. They treated him for that, and fortunately caught in time for him to make a full recovery. At that time, his doctor told him he had extreme kidney disease and if he didn't stop drinking he would die within months. He also told him, even if he did stop drinking, his life would be cut short.

Well fast forward three months, my uncle still drinks, and now he is very ill. His only hope is a kidney transplant, which he would not be a candidate for because he is a heavy alchoholic.

My grandmother is very upset, and rightfully so, it is her son. Here goes my bad thoughts....This is a self induced illness, it cannot be the focus of life, and certainly you cannot make it so that your healthy son, the one that has always taken care of her, supported her and been the stable one in her life, doesn't want to tell his own mother that he is having surgery, because he feels that his surgery is so small compared to his brothers.

It angers me the stand that she has taken, to the point i have started to feel very guilty. My grandmother makes it seem like he is this innocent person and he was struck with this life threatening illness. But he is not, you have to know that after 40 years of drinking 24 beers a day, your kidneys would eventually shut down. My uncle is to the point that 2 cases of beer do not even make him drunk, they just provide the fix.... that is awful... my dad and grandmother have urged him to AA meetings, my dad has taken care of him, he has moved in with my grandmother so she can help him through the years. But bottom line, if you don't want to help yourself, and you are not willing to do it for your children, or your family, then there is no help for you...

Off that soap box :) I wish my daddy the best of luck through his surgery today, and i hope he knows that no matter what is going on in my life i will always be there for him, and there is nothing in my life that would ever overshadow him.

This about summed it up for me. I got this email this morning from my sister, titled, Work Humor, it couldn't be more appropriate for the way i am feeling lately.

Well, here are my kids, they are my life, and the reason the decision at hand seems so huge.

I was recently notified of a layoff within my company. It so happens it affects me. I have been with this company for 11 years, i worked as a temp for a year, and was hired permanent in 1996 and have been there ever since. I was 17 when i started, and never looked back.

Through the years i have been promoted to several different jobs. I thought i was on my way to furthering my career, and really making something of my life.

I was notified Friday that i was not one of the "chosen" ones to go to a new company that many of my co-workers are going to. To top it off, i was told that i was the one on "the bubble" so there is a possibilty that if someone does not accept a specific job that it will be offered to me.

However, if the person takes the job, there is another job for me, it is just the job that i left over a year ago, i never thought i would go backwards in my career.

I have also been approached about a possibilty of staying with the company that laid me off, in a different position. Trouble is, i cant convince myself that it is the right position for me.

I have to admit, i was truly let down and disappointed that i was not offered one of the positions that i wanted. There was a glimmer of hope that it is possible that i may still go, but it all rest in the hands of someone else not wanting the job, and i am torn, because i truly love this person that was offered the same job i want. She has other job offers, that may be better for her, but i dont feel as though i can discuss any of it with her now, because i dont want to sway her decisions.

I dont want to feel as though the only reason i got my job was because i convinced someone else it was not a right fit for them.

My heart tells me i am right for that job, i know that it was a hard decision for my boss. There were several people going for the same job, and i am thankful that she called me and let me know where i stood.

My gut instint tells me that if i cant get the position that i want, to go to the same company in the other position, the one i used to have...it is moving backwards, but i feel, and my manager has encouraged, that when an opening comes up in the job i want, i would be one of the first considered.

My husband doesnt feel the same way, he feels as though i let my emotions make my decisions. That i choose my jobs based on my co-workers and my sense of obligation to the company and the people, and while that may be partly the case, it is not the entire reason. My husband feels i should not settle for the backwards position that was offered and continue my job search...which is a scary thought for me.

I wish it could all be easy, but life never is....